Why You Might Feel Like You’re Always the Victim in Relationships

  • Rs.400
    6 Questions to Help You Love Yourself More When It Feels Impossible

    By: Vironika Tugaleva

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    In 2012, self-love became the most important thing in my life. After self-loathing and addiction led me to rock bottom, there was nowhere to go but up. When someone asked me last year how long I’d been on the self-love journey, I counted back from 2012. That’s when I thought it began.

    In my old journals, however, I recently found something strange and incredible—my self-love journey started long before I thought it had. Years prior to hitting rock bottom, I’d been having the same epiphanies: I need to love myself, I need to stop trying to get other people to love me, I need to be kinder to myself.

    Yet those epiphanies wouldn’t last. In fact, I habitually forgot about them as I returned to my “normal” back then—anxiety, depression, self-judgment, social anxiety, and a host of addictive behaviors that helped me escape these uncomfortable states.

    Strangely enough, when my suffering was at its worst, few people could have said that self-love was the problem. I had an outward facade of ironclad self-confidence. Most people thought I loved myself too much.

    Yet my journals tell another story. It is a story of not only silent suffering but also accidentally ignoring all my attempts to heal that suffering. Even though I was chronically self-sabotaging, I was also trying to help myself along the way.

    In a Facebook comment to one of my other posts on Tiny Buddha, someone wrote, “A lot of truth in this, but I’m so tired of the thing about loving yourself. Nobody has ever written about how this happens when you don’t feel that way. It sounds so simplistic—just love yourself first. Great, still no answers!!”

    It might be ironic to give an even more simplistic answer to this, such as “Find the answers within you.” But I think it’s important to note that there is a difference between simplicity and ease. The most important lessons in life really are simple—love yourself, find your own answers, know yourself. Yet implementing these lessons is a lifetime job full of tears, fears, and uncertainty.

    The truth is—the answers are within you, just like they were within me. It’s just a matter of discovering them and implementing them consistently.

    Your answers are within your experience. But they aren’t filed into neat folders. They’re scattered in every moment between alarm clocks, worries, and errands. They’re also not labelled by which questions they answer. You might get a bad feeling about something and that could be self-love, but it could also be fear.

    So, instead of answers, I’d like to provide some questions. Your relationship with yourself is unique and your answers will be unique. And the answers will keep changing. You can ask these questions every day, and that wouldn’t be too much.

    1. How can I better understand this experience?

    One sentence that I found frequently written in my old journals was, “Why does this always happen to me?” I said this about periods of depression as much as relationship patterns.

    When I asked this question, I wasn’t looking for an answer. My biggest mental health breakthrough was learning to genuinely ask that question. No, really, why do I always end up alone when I most need people? Why do I sometimes experience overwhelming periods of depression? Thus, I started to learn important things about myself.

    I learned that I had a tendency to never take breaks, strive for perfection, and burn myself into the ground. I also learned that I had a way of pushing people away to “test” if they’d stick around. Seeing these patterns was painful, but much less painful than believing I was broken, unworthy, and doomed to being alone.

    When you’re in the middle of criticizing or judging yourself, take a moment to shift your focus toward understanding.

    Instead of trying to fix your emotions or your reactions, how can you understand them better? What are your feelings trying to communicate to you? How can you acknowledge these messages?

    Instead of beating yourself up for saying or doing something, how can you get a more holistic perspective on your motivations for saying/doing this thing?

    When you make a conscious decision to be more curious about your experience, you will naturally stop resisting, judging, and criticizing it. The more you embrace each moment, the more you will be able to embrace yourself.

    2. Who am I beyond my behaviors, thoughts, and emotions?

    To be able to embrace the ups and downs of life without losing self-love, you must love yourself beyond those ups and downs. This is the difference between self-approval and self-love.

    Approval comes and goes. When you make a mistake, you might disapprove of yourself. This is healthy and normal. If you didn’t experience lulls in self-esteem, you might never learn from your mistakes and end up hurting others.

    Self-love, on the other hand, is something you need in each moment—especially when your self-esteem is low.

    When you don’t approve of your behaviors, ask yourself who you are beyond those behaviors. How can you accept yourself beyond the rollercoaster of day-to-day experience, so that no matter what those experiences are, you continue to think of yourself as worthy of existing?

    3. What do I need right now?

    Each day, ask yourself what you need. Like this, you can begin to nourish yourself. You can also begin to understand some of the side effects that you experience when you don’t meet your needs. Once you feed your hunger, you’ll better understand your symptoms of starvation. This can lead to profound self-forgiveness.

    Especially when you are trying to break bad habits, you can ask which needs you’re trying to meet with those habits.

    Every single self-harming action, even if it hurts you deeply, also serves you in some way. Maybe your unhealthy habits make you feel comfort, control, or even help you gain attention. The need behind each behavior is always valid, but some behaviors are more sustainable and healthy than others. By acknowledging your deeper needs, you can make a plan to consciously meet them in a healthier way.

    One thing I’ve discovered that I need is movement. I have so much energy in my body from day to day. I didn’t realize this for a long time because I expended that energy on chronic anxiety.

    When I realized that I could use my energy to be physically active, my life changed. My anxiety levels plummeted. I formulated a completely different relationship with my body. I also got a new perspective on my long struggle with eating disorders, smoking, and addiction.

    I had a basic need to control my body, to influence my physical state. I still have that need. The only difference is that, now, I’m making conscious choices about how I’m going to meet it.

    4. How can I give myself what I need?

    Once you discover what your needs are, you can begin to anticipate them and fulfill them.

    Simply to acknowledge your desires is half the work (especially if they are different from those of the people around you).

    The other half of the work is asking yourself, every day, how you can meet your needs. The key is to foresee your hunger and feed it before you feel starved. This way, you can avoid relapsing into those desperate self-destructive habits.

    5. How can I acknowledge the needs that I can’t yet meet?

    Let’s say you discover that you need more alone time than you thought. And suppose you discover this while living with four roommates. Chances are, you will not be able to meet this need overnight. However, self-love isn’t a report card on how quickly you’ve fixed your problems. It’s simply the practice of having a kinder relationship with yourself.

    You can acknowledge your frustration and your desires before taking action to address them. You can comfort yourself and assure yourself that you are going to do something about it. Remember how you’ve felt better when other people have reassured you. How can you give that kind of reassurance to yourself?

    6. How can I take responsibility for myself?

    One thing that might interrupt your journey of self-nourishing is waiting for someone or something else to save you.

    You might acknowledge your need for appreciation, but instead of taking action to meet it, you might tell yourself a story about when it will come.

    You might tell yourself to wait until some promotion, accomplishment, or event. Thus, you can lose out on valuable opportunities to love yourself.

    Start to pay attention to which needs you aren’t meeting because you’re putting them into the future or into other people’s hands. And ask yourself how you can begin to meet that need right now by yourself.

    We all long to have someone be attentive to us—to really care about what we’re going through and how to make it better.

    The most beautiful part of learning to ask and answer these questions on a regular basis is this: your longing will finally be fulfilled.

    You do not need to wait for someone to make you feel like you are worth listening to and caring for. Your savior has been waiting in the mirror all along.

    About Vironika Tugaleva

    Vironika is an inspirational speaker, life coach, and author of the award-winning book The Love MindsetVironika helps people cultivate self-love, heal mental and emotional suffering, develop healthy self-care habits, build deeper relationships, and unleash their potential to change the world. Read more about Vironika here and get a free sneak preview of The Love Mindset.

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    Have you given yourself a self love check? Do you look down upon yourself too often or have you always been surrounded by people that bring you down? If so, reach out directly to any one of our talented psychic advisors. They can look at your current path and help you move forward in a new direction that brings you the happiness you desire.

     

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  • Rs.400
    Dealing With Jealousy

    By: Psychic Janette

    As far I can remember, I have always had jealous people around me. Was it my cousin, my siblings or someone else who is trying his all tricks to drive me away from someone I dearly love. When I was a kid, it was my cousin who was jealous of that chance to spend all my time with my grandma. She practically raised me. In adult years it is my siblings who are jealous of everything I have achieved, even my love life and my gifts. When I have left my family back another side, of course, I met a new person who decided to be a jerk in order to make sure that I was not welcome. I am a threat instead of trying to come along with me and get to know me.

    We have been told that showing some jealousy is healthy in a relationship. This is not true. Jealousy is insecurity of ourselves, our relationship and it comes from a fear that there is a chance that we would lose the person we love. We do not want third wheels to come between, not even close. We become fearful, try to control of our beloved person and the third person can go as far pepper grows, right? (I don’t understand this statement)

    The truth is that we have no right to control other people, we can only control our own thoughts, behavior and how we take things when they happen. If we can´t trust our friends, lovers… there is no room for real love to grow and jealousy poisons the relationships. Jealousy is not part of love. It is opposite instead.

    Not all third persons are a threat to your relationships, but jealousy can ruin your own love life for sure.  It is time to talk with your partner about your own fears and concerns in this case, to clear your mind and give more mind of peace. We humans tend to overthink about everything, especially our worst scenarios which are not helping anything at all.

    Jealousy about another person´s life, gifts (any kind of gifts) etc, comes from not being brave enough of their own life. There is bitterness and other negative emotions involved with a fearful person who would like to live more but is not able to do so. Fear is a major factor why people do not success in their own lives, so they do not most of the cases want other people to success either. They are trying to drag us other down to their level. When we trust ourselves and be proud of who we are, we are much better chances to success in our goals and dreams, if we put our focus and intention on them. Not listening to the people who can´t do it themselves.

    How To Deal With Your Own Jealousy?

    Jealousy is an emotion that comes from negative thinking and not valuing yourself enough. So it is very important to find the root of your thoughts and work on them consciously.

    • What makes you insecure? Are you willing to work on it?
    • What do you believe in?
    • Why are you believing that way? Not all beliefs in your mind are true., but we create our own beliefs that keeps us stuck with thoughts.

    Many years I wanted to become a jewelry designer, I was admiring other artists work a lot and I thought that I am jealous as they can do those beautiful works, but I realized too, that without their work, I would not be able to enjoy of beauty of art. I decided to learn things myself more.

    Next time we feel jealousy, we can change our thought into positive: I can´t do it yet but I am ready to work hard to gain this talent or gift. Or If we are jealous of someone else success, we need to start work on our goals with positive manners.

    We do not get anything positive with negative attitude. So it is important to keep your mind in track all the time.

     

    If you have any questions about your relationships or questions regarding a jealous 3rd party, reach out directly to Psychic Janette today. She will be happy to look at your connection and help to ensure you remain on a positive path.

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  • Rs.400
    On Perfect Timing: When Things Aren’t Happening Fast Enough

    “After winter comes the summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies.” ~Samuel Rutherford

    I was talking to someone this week about his feeling that things weren’t happening fast enough. That with all he was doing, intending, and putting out there more should be happening, and faster.

    My question to him was, “Really? Should things really be happening faster? Or are you exactly where you’re supposed to be?”

    We have a tendency to think we have it all figured out. When it should happen, how it should happen, who it should happen with—and before it’s “too late.”

    We are powerful creators in life, but the truth is, we’re not in this alone. There are other forces at play, and for the most part, to our benefit.

    Have you ever had something occur in your life that you had wished for years earlier, only to realize that now was the perfect timing? That in fact, you wouldn’t have been ready for it any earlier? That in retrospect, everything was leading up to the perfect moment of this unfolding?

    We want to feel in charge of our lives. It makes us feel safe knowing we have control. And to some extent, we have complete control in dictating our desires, in stating our ambitions, and in following our well laid plans.

    But sometimes, life has a way of throwing us curve balls. There is a delay in an outcome we are hoping to produce or the timing doesn’t work out as we planned. We’re not where we think we should be, financially, socially, professionally, creatively, or romantically.

    And yet even in this, there is perfection.

    In other words, for those of you who think your time has passed or it’s too late or there is not enough time, I ask you: How do you know this? How do you know that in this moment, right now, you are not exactly where you are supposed to be?

    That things are not working out for you, despite appearances?

    I had a teacher who used to pose the question: “If everything is perfect exactly as it is, what is it that you are not seeing?”

    In other words, what are you gaining from this situation that is perfect for your unfolding, right now, and how is this preparing you for the thing you desire?

    We are always afraid our ship is not going to come in, or if it does, it did already and left without us. Our ship may come and go, but there will be another one and another one and another one. And another one.

    We are coming into our own in the timing we need. For each of us it will be different, but for each of us, it will also be perfect.

    Inspirational leader Mary Morrissey talks about Chinese Bamboo and how it is a very slow-growing and fragile plant.

    She says that if the bamboo is cared for, watched over and nurtured, in one year it grows two inches, in the next year it grows two inches, in the next year it grows two inches, in the next year it grows two inches, and then in the fifth year, it grows eighty feet!

    This is how it is with our development. We intend. We make incremental changes. We show up in whatever way we can. Over time, everything comes to fruition, harmonizing all aspects in such a creative way that if we were to look back on it, we would marvel at the perfection of it all.

    We would know that we were making strides all along.

    Trust in the perfection of your life and let yourself be fully where you are in the moment. Trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Know that what you have to look forward to is greater than what you are leaving behind.

    And trust that you will “arrive” in time and on time, not a minute sooner.

    Photo here

    About Sonya Derian

    Sonya Derian is the owner and founder of Om Freely, a company dedicated to helping people live out loud, tap into their power, and transform their lives. To pick up your free ebook: Om Freely: 30 Ways to Live Out Loud, please visit http://omfreely.com . Or check out her online store at: http://cafepress.com/omfreely.

     

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    Are things in your life happening too quickly or does it seem like they don’t happen for you at all? Reach out directly to any one of our trusted psychic advisors and get the upcoming times that will be important for you.

     

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  • Rs.400
    What to Do When People in Your Life Don’t Want to Change

    “If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit

    We all know at least one person who we think needs a self-help course or book more than we do. They’re the “wrong” ones, at least in our minds.

    I once was in a relationship with a man who seemed to have placed me at the bottom of his priority list. He would always be too busy playing sports or going out with his coworkers to spend time with me.

    I found myself modifying my weekend schedule to match his and becoming anxious when I wasn’t successful. Finding time to be with him had become a source of stress. I used to think that if he changed, our relationship would be perfect and my worry would disappear.

    So I did what many of us do: I suggested he read books about how to be a good partner.

    I expressed that I was feeling neglected in the relationship and assumed he would do something to make me feel better.

    I tried to find solutions so he would be able to continue doing the activities he seemed to love so much and still have time to be with me.

    In short, I placed all my attention on changing what he was or wasn’t doing. I blamed him for my dissatisfaction with the relationship.

    Those were my big mistakes, because I’ve learned that the key isn’t to attempt to control other people’s attitudes or behaviors. The key isn’t to believe that they’re at fault for our negative emotions.

    The key is to assume responsibility for our life circumstances.

    I’ve developed a four-step approach that has helped me let go of the need to change other people: 

    Step 1. Awareness.

    In a universe in which all of us are connected, your conscious and subconscious actions contributed the current state of your relationship.

    You might have acted in ways that conveyed to the other person that he or she could treat you in disrespectful ways, or that you weren’t worthy of love and caring.

    Becoming consciously aware of your thoughts and actions will allow you to ensure that everything you say and do (and let others do) is aligned with your values.

    In my case, if I had become aware that being the last priority in a relationship was unacceptable, I would have exited the relationship before it negatively affected my emotional state.

    Step 2. Growth.

    Even if you think your contribution to the dire state of the relationship is only 10 percent, there is room for learning and growth.

    What have you learned about your way of communicating with others? Are you assertive, or do you usually choose the easiest path of passive aggression, or even blatant aggression?

    What have you learned about your way to react to unacceptable behavior? Do you express your boundaries, or do you seethe in silence hoping that the other person finally “gets it”?

    What have you learned about authenticity and vulnerability? Do you honestly express your feelings, or instead complain about your situation to other people, but pretend everything is great when you are with the person who is the source of your complaints?

    I learned that for me to be satisfied in a romantic relationship, honesty, commitment, and respect are paramount.

    Step 3. Control.

    After you’ve learned from a relationship, you must take ownership for your feelings about the other person’s behavior. It’s your choice whether to let the other person’s actions dictate whether you’re happy or not.

    External occurrences are random and difficult or impossible to control, but your thoughts about your situation are your personal choice.

    Now I know that when someone behaves in unpleasant ways, I have the power to continue enjoying every second of my life.

    Step 4. Trust.

    All human beings have access to the same fountain of wisdom, or human consciousness. This means that you need to trust that those around you will learn their life lessons at their own pace, whenever they are ready.

    You need to remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to show anyone what he or she needs to learn or to understand. As an innate teacher, this step was one of the hardest for me to take, but once I took it, I gained an amazing sense of peace that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

    Being conscious of our own magnificence includes being conscious of the magnificence of those around you. 

    When people in our life don’t want to change, we change ourselves.

    Photo by Michael Coghlan

    About Cloris Kylie Stock

    Cloris Kylie, Marketing MBA, helps entrepreneurs to attract the right clients so that they skyrocket their impact and revenue! A sought-after speaker, trainer, and author, Cloris has been featured on various television and radio shows, including the #1 podcast for entrepreneurs, “Entrepreneur On Fire.” Cloris’s articles have been published on websites with millions of followers. Visit her website here https://www.cloriskylie.com.

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    If you are having a difficult time with those around you, reach out directly to any one of our trusted psychic advisors. They can look into the energy of your surrounding connections and provide you insight that will help you make the best decision for yourself.

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  • Rs.400
    How to Step Out of the Drama Triangle and Find Real Peace

    “Keep your attention focused entirely on what is truly your own concern, and be clear that what belongs to others is their business and none of yours.” ~Epictetus

     Are you addicted to drama? I was, but I didn’t know it. I thought I was just responding to life, to what was happening. I really didn’t think I had a choice! The drama triangle is so pervasive, and can be so subtle, that it just seems normal. But it’s not, and there’s a much saner way to live, I found.

    Dr. Stephen Karpman first described the drama triangle in the 1960’s.

     

     

    All three of the roles—Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor—are very fluid and can morph easily into one another. We all have a favorite (usually the role we assumed most often in childhood), but most of us are pretty good at all three of them, depending on the situation.

    My personal favorite was Rescuer, although I also did a very credible Victim from time to time. I was a Rescuer in my family of origin (middle children often are). I felt virtuous, strong, and necessary when other people turned to me for help or depended on me to take care of things.

    But there’s always a downside. Being a perpetual Rescuer led to chronic stress, as I constantly monitored how everyone else was doing and was never available to take care of my own needs.

    That’s when I’d slip into the Victim role: I’d feel sorry for myself, since no one seemed to appreciate how hard I was working to take care of them. Which made me feel angry and resentful, and before I knew it I’d find myself picking a fight with my husband or fuming at some unwitting clerk. (Yep, there’s the Persecutor.)

    See how the drama cycles from role to role? They all have their payoffs too. It feels good to be a Victim, at least for a while. We get a lot of attention. We don’t need to take responsibility for our actions and their consequences, because we can always find someone else to blame for them. Often people will help us (those nice Rescuers).

    And being the Persecutor can feel powerful, especially for someone who has never learned the skill of asking directly for their needs to be met. We get to “blow off steam.” We might even get to have our way for a while—but at what cost?

    It’s an exhausting way to live. All of the roles are driven by anxiety and the ways we have learned to “control” it in our lives. The drama keeps us absorbed, and it keeps us enmeshed (unhealthily) with others, but it leaves very little room for real peace and joy. And no room at all for a truly healthy relationship to form.

    But how do we step away from the drama triangle, when almost everyone we know is still playing the game?

    The first step is simply to be aware of the game, how it works, and what roles you play most frequently. What role did you play as a child? Can you identify the roles that others in your family played? Are they still playing them?

    The role of Rescuer may be the easiest to admit to, since it actually sounds praiseworthy or noble on the surface. This is not genuine philanthropy, however—it’s really about control and being in someone else’s business, thus neglecting your own.

    If you’re accustomed to being a Victim, on the other hand, you’ll find yourself often looking for someone or something outside of yourself to blame. (In fact, the hallmark of all the roles is that your attention is usually directed outward.)

    Finally, although no one likes to admit to being a Persecutor, if anger is your go-to emotion when things go wrong, you’re probably operating in that role. In reality, the anger is just a mask for underlying fear, shame, and powerlessness. Sadly, adult Persecutors were often Victims as children. In the drama triangle there are no good guys and bad guys—everyone loses.

    Once you’ve become aware of your patterns, it becomes much easier to recognize the game and, eventually, step out of it. Since the drama triangle is all about being in other people’s business, stepping out of it requires you to remain firmly in your own!

    What helped me with this was a concept I call the “zone of integrity.” Imagine a circle around yourself; this represents your business (your true responsibility). In the zone of integrity, you are responsible for being 100 percent honest, both with yourself and with others. This means acknowledging and honoring your own feelings and needs, and allowing others to be responsible for theirs.

    It also means taking responsibility for your own actions and their consequences, and letting others do the same. This might require some “tough love,” both toward yourself and others. You might not be the most popular person at the dance for a while. Codependence (which is essentially what the drama triangle describes) is a system. It requires multiple players to function, so people will probably be upset when you opt out. In fact, you can count on it.

    During my own withdrawal phase, I would regularly find myself getting sucked into the old dynamics, but it’s become easier and easier to spot when that happens and to use the “zone of integrity” concept to pull myself back into my own business.

    Recently my mother asked me to help smooth over a squabble between some of my siblings—exactly the sort of thing I have done all my life. Even in the act of saying yes I suddenly stopped and thought, “Is this really my business? Do I really have to take this on?” And then politely declined.

    It’s not always easy in the beginning to recognize whose business you’re in, especially when it involves your family of origin. These are the people who taught you most of what you know about the drama triangle, after all!

    For me, I feel a very familiar sense of obligation and guilt when those Rescuer urges start kicking in, which prompts me to pull back and look more closely at the situation. It took practice for me to hear and trust those feelings, but now they’re easy to spot.

    The zone of integrity, when I manage to stay there, feels so good. I still care about people, and help when it feels right, but I no longer feel obligated to rescue. That means that I don’t end up feeling victimized, or resentfully persecuting someone else in return. In the long run it’s much better for everyone involved.

    My life now has a lot less drama, it’s true. You might miss that sometimes, when people are trading war stories at Friday night happy hour. What you will have instead is true peace of mind, much healthier relationships and a passionate addiction to staying in your zone of integrity. It’s worth the trade-off.

    About Amaya Pryce

    Amaya Pryce is a spiritual coach and writer living in the Pacific Northwest. Her newest book, How to Grow Your Soulis available on Amazon. For coaching or to follow her blog, please visit www.amayapryce.com.

     

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    If you feel stuck in a drama filled circle and are unsure how to escape or unsure who your real friends are, reach out directly to any one of our psychic advisors. They can look into all of your connections and ensure you are on a path that promotes true positivity and self empowerment.

     

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  • Rs.400
    The Highs and Lows Of Being The Other Woman

    By: Psychic Rhonda

    So lately you have spent the majority of your nights pacing the floor and being torn between being patient or walking away. Whether your relationship with someone else’s mate was planned or not one thing is for sure, you have found the situation much harder than you anticipated. You may have told yourself in the beginning that you could handle it or you wouldn’t allow yourself to get too involved but somehow it happened and now you are in a state of constant doubt..about the relationship as well as within yourself. Some of the common traits that I have seen from my experience are as follows:

     

     

    • Constant comparison of yourself to the other party which often leads to viewing yourself as less than.
    • Questioning whether or not you are truly loved and valued by this person or taken advantage of.
    • Feeling a sense of being “stuck” because you have invested too much to walk away but yet not enough progression to stay.
    • Feeling as though you are meant to be but things are just complicated at the moment.
    • Fears of being left alone in the end.

    One of the biggest factors that you must remember if in these shoes are that no matter what your partner is telling you, you are only receiving THEIR half of the story and in most cases may not be the entire truth. Remember, they are already being dishonest in their relationship. The elephant in the room(Trust) is never addressed but its always an underlying issue. When they become distant you wonder if you are being pushed away or if there is anyone else besides you. The circumstances may even make you feell as though you shouldn’t question them or the nature of the way you are being treated and that you should accept this and this is the way it is. They may even go as far as telling you blatantly that you knew what you were getting into from the beginning. This is true but also, so did they..they too are as responsible as you are. It’s only natural to grow attached to someone which is why you have to be careful putting yourself in these positions.

    We all desire to be loved and respected and perhaps a chain of bad relationships has led you to make choices that are out of the norm or based on loneliness. Your worth may have been compromised in the process and you may have been seeking validation of some kind or even a sense of security. Maybe this person provides you with these things and at times you feel on top of the world and inseperable. They can also be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when needed. After all, it is the good qualities that makes us fall in love with them however do NOT fall out of love with yourself in the process.

    Being placed on the back burner and having limited interaction and communication with someone and only when its convenient for them can be emotionally damaging to you and can definitely place you at a low point. You may even find yourself in an unhealthy cycle in which you are looking for happiness and fulfillment in the very same person you lost it in. Hoping and waiting for something that may never happen. In this situation with clients I have came to realize that only the cheater really wins. They have the attention and love from two or more people and their needs are exceeded but at the expense of others.

    While these connections do sometimes work, no one should have to accept or believe that they are only capable of being partially loved. Never give up or settle for less than what you deserve just because it isn’t happening in the time frame that you want. We are often alone for a reason and that reason is usually to learn and love ourselves so that we are properly ready to receive true love and nothing short of that..patience is not a punishment..it is to help you grow. Remember this, “If something cost you your peace of mind it is too expensive.”

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  • Rs.400
    The Law of Attraction in Love: The Effects of Negative and Positive Thinking

    By: Psychic Shawn

    How Do Thoughts Control Events ?

    Firstly our thoughts create and in order to create we must first think, and if you think positive or negative, then that will be the outcome of events. Overall all the effects and changes you will see in your partner are often determined by your mind. Our thoughts are energy and the universe is the source of everything, and what we think, feel, and hope or fear for can have a huge impact on things. Our thoughts affect love more than anything else in our lives. The simple reason being is because love in  itself is the energy  of creation, and our thoughts mold and shape the relationships we are in. When two people love each other, they come together to build lives with each other and start families. They adventure upon journeys they never thought they could do.The main reason why most relationships fail is because of fear, doubts, and thought patterns being filled with trepidation and uneasiness. Anxiously waiting to hear bad news about your partner, feeling as if things won’t work out, thinking what you feel isn’t being felt the same by your partner are all examples of fear that will create a more difficult relationship path. When these thoughts are highly emphasized in your mind constantly, the negativity will consume you and almost always a break up will occur.

     

    Two Steps to Positive Thinking

    1. Meditation: What you think is what you are, the mind the consciousness, and the soul are the key gateways to the universe. What we feel and think ultimately happens in reality. The mind can be both destructive and a beacon of positivity. It is the pathway to success in love and meditation is the key. Being able to shut off your mind is a great tool not only for giving your mind a rest, but also with helping to block out negative thoughts. Allow in the positive to recharge your energy fully.

    2. Silence the negative voices around you : Learning to stay away from negative people is very important. Hearing your friends and family and those closest to you tell you this or that won’t work out, especially in your relationships, is only going to create more negative thinking and will block successful energy for love. By learning to distance those who aren’t of a supportive nature, you will be able to have a clear and direct positive approach in your thoughts when it comes to your love life. Having too many negative opinions can ultimately be the start of failure for anyone

    Do Not Fear Your Mind
    Knowing your mind has the power to create both good and bad is a knowledge most can’t accept because when others realize this, they start to see that most issues were brought on by the way they approached situations in their own mind. Having self blame and regret isn’t easy, but if you do not accept what is wrong and what needs to be looked at in a new perspective, and then make peace with your struggles while searching for a new way forward, you will be in a constant cycle of hardships in love.  And, when your energy isn’t centered it can also affect you spiritually. Many fear negative thinking, but remember that nothing and no one can be 100 percent positive all the time. So, do not fear negative thoughts. Instead, the key is to have a balance between negative and positive. If your thoughts are 90 percent negative and 10 percent positive, then you can most likely expect you will be getting then negative. When you learn to balance the percentage between the two, you will see positive change. These thoughts also affect your mood and your happiness. Whatever you think becomes emotions and emotions become physical ( such as your body language and the energy you are giving to others), so you may not only be feeling terrible on the inside, but most likely those around you can pick up on your negative thinking as well. Never fear your thoughts and don’t view your thinking as a failure because you have the power to be successful in love and in all else! Don’t forget that.

     

    Mantra for Love
    Mantra to bring you and your partner more love, and positivity – speak these words after meditation, clear your mind and repeat:

    Today I am accepting positivity into my life. I am a child of the universe and the universe wishes me good not bad,. I am meant to be happy not sad, I am meant to be loved not hated. I am as the sun; I shine and bring forth nurturing and growing into my life and into the life of the one I love. I am radiant, I am powerful,  I am strong, I am courageous, My love runs deep for my partner, I am his/hers and he/she is mine, nothing can affect us, nothing can break us, we are meant to last forever and stay committed.

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  • Rs.400
    Letting go of Control and Being Present with Uncertainty

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    I didn’t want to believe that uncertainty would be a part of my life.

    I wanted control. I wanted to know exactly what was going to happen next, and I didn’t.

    I was stuck at a job that was unfulfilling, I had no real romantic connection, and I worried about what would happen if I came out as a gay woman.

    I was living a very unmanageable life, and I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt.

    There was a big piece of me that didn’t believe I was good enough. That constantly wanted more. That strived for perfection. I developed a need for control to avoid these painful thoughts and feelings. It distracted me from the pursuit of perfection and my unrelenting standards.

    I didn’t like the unknown. That brought about fear. And my autopilot was to disconnect from fear.

    I couldn’t comfortably deal with any uncertainty. And the way this manifested for me was quite destructive. I disconnected from the moment through an eating disorder, drugs, and alcohol. My addictions provided a distorted relief so I didn’t have to deal with living life on life’s terms.

    I was scared to show my authentic self. I lived so far removed from my truth and my core that connecting with it seemed foreign and frightening. My addictions constantly wanted more and kept me in a cycle of destruction.

    The thought of being present in my life scared me. I did not think the quality of my life could improve. I was stuck in a tunnel vision where my identity was my addictions, and they were destroying me, slowly but surely. 

    I am grateful to have awakened in my life. I remember being in a taxicab in NYC, shaking. I had been out late the night before. I was in a constant cycle of engaging in my addictions, and my body couldn’t handle it anymore. It was then that I realized that my addictions wanted to see me dead.

    But I did not want to see me dead.

    I knew another way of living was possible, so I started to let go of these destructive coping mechanisms. I went away to treatment and for the first time let help in. I surrendered and knew I could not do it alone anymore.

    And with this came some fear. Some uncertainty. The unknown. All of these feelings and realities that for so long kept me paralyzed. I had to truly face my feelings and the present, as myself, for the first time.

    I realized that it’s a choice to stay paralyzed and stuck. A choice that I have all the power and control over.

    I soon started to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, and guess what? I was okay! I learned that feelings are a part of life and fall on a spectrum day in and day out. I could survive any feeling that life threw my way.

    The illusion of control is what hurt me. Resisting my feelings and my true self is what hurt me. It is by allowing myself to sit with myself that true strength comes in. I am connected to love.

    So here is the advice I have for any of you that may be battling addiction or have a hard time dealing with uncertainty and the unknown.

    Trust Yourself

    Two words that have a lot of meaning. You are stronger, more powerful, and more resilient than you think. All that you need is directly there inside of you. In infinite proportions.

    You have the ability to sit with and conquer whatever life throws your way. The more you give that power to another person, place, or thing, the more you lose yourself. You don’t need to do that anymore.

    Let it Go

    I tried to control everything for so long. I manipulated and came up with story after story to get my way. My family and friends saw me when I wanted to see them. My relationships were about what I could get from the other person, what void in me they could fill.

    When I learned the freedom that comes with surrendering and letting things go, I watched in astonishment as things started to fall into place.

    Letting go means accepting whatever life throws your way and knowing you don’t need to act on impulsivity, or fear, or insecurity. It means allowing reality to set in and knowing that in the end, you will be okay.

    Focus on the Present

    The present moment is a gift. It is all we have. This moment is everything.

    The more I focus on the present, the more I can tap into gratitude and peace.

    I spent years unable to accept the truth about the present moment. I didn’t think I was strong or good enough to handle it.

    The worries about the future take me out the present as well. I have to let it go. I can’t obsess about all that I want to do and accomplish, or be dependent on the life I see for myself in a year or five years or ten years. All I have is now. This moment. And it is my duty to be the best version of myself in this moment.

    Each moment is an opportunity for growth. You are okay in this moment. That is all that matters. The more you focus on this, the more the fears subside and you can be the person you were put here to be.

    Take it All In

    There is no need to rush through life. We only have one life to live. Take your time. Slow down. Enjoy the little things. Take longer showers. Smile at a stranger. Practice affirmations in front of the mirror. Be true to yourself.

    The more you get in touch with yourself, the more connected you become. And the more connected you become, the more the quality of your life enhances.

    Photo by Bhumika Bhatia

    About Lauren Stahl

    Lauren Stahl is the founder of SPARKITE where users SPARK what they want to be held accountable to and she helps to hold them accountable. This is a growing global community empowering, inspiring, and helping people unlock their power within by the day. You can learn more about Lauren’s Accountability services at www.sparkite.com.

     

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    Do you feel as though you are stuck in the past? Have you experienced those moments where you embrace the present moment and all that is but can’t hold that particular mindset? Reach out directly to any one of our trusted advisors and start down a new path that will ensure your emotional freedom and well being.

     

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  • Rs.400
    What to Do When You Love Someone Who Hurts You

    “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chödrön

    There is a person in my life who I love with all my heart, but in this relationship I struggle to keep a full cup myself. They are family, the situation is complicated and tender. But learning to have compassion for this other person begins with having compassion for myself.

    A nasty divorce spanning most of my childhood set the stage for our current situation. My mother was deeply emotionally wounded by my father, and carried that pain into her parenting of my sister and me.

    Contact with the ex (my dad) dropped to nil—maybe a week a year, far below what the court had decided.

    Any efforts on our parts to connect with our absent parent, even recounting fond memories, were seen by our mother as attacks on her legitimacy and a discounting of her pain. And what emotional intimacy we shared was often exploited—it kept us locked into the family unit, not believing we could have our needs filled elsewhere, least of all with our absentee father.

    A few short years prior, I felt part of a happy, perfect family. Suddenly one parent was effectively gone. My relationship with the other became a labyrinth of confusion—love down this path, hurt down the other, and at my young age I couldn’t find the rhyme or reason to it.

    Childhood gifted me a number of unhealthy survival mechanisms, which still follow me around today: a deep fear of conflict (because conflict often meant someone would leave), constant apologies and guilt for things I’m not truly responsible for, and a voice in the back of my mind telling me no matter what I do, who I am, who I become, it will never be enough.

    Growing up, I realize that those mindsets that helped me survive as a child, in the trenches of grief, inadequacy, and parental loss, no longer served me. Becoming a healthier person showed me how unhealthy this particular relationship really was.

    Healing with my mom—communication about the past, forgiveness, and moving on together—has not taken place. Attempts to bring up my own hurt and pain are minimized and shut down. My words, invariably, have been met with responses like “I can’t do this right now, it’s a bad time,” “I can’t believe you’d do this to me,” or “It all came from a place of love.”

    So, in interactions with my mother, I keep my guard up. I know she still hurts, and seems timelessly stuck in her own grief, but it would take a great degree of emotional wholeness on my part to absorb each new wound with simple forgiveness and empathy. I see where my path might point toward such healing in the future, but we’re not there yet.

    Many of us have experienced relationships like this: someone we love acts toward us in ways that continually damage.

    It’s one thing to forgive and move on from a wound we received in the past, and another animal entirely when we get hurt again and again, in the same place, a scab not quite healed over before it’s ripped off again.

    We all have histories, wounds, scars. Most people carry deep tender spots that have never truly healed, and some use all their actions to self-protect. The fear of vulnerability leads them to cover those places, distract from those places.

    Attempts to wear the heaviest of armor results in getting “bitter” rather than “better,” and those who are too thick-skinned start to lose their delicate abilities to empathize. They project their fear of getting hurt into decisions that may themselves, unintentionally or intentionally, cause others to suffer.

    Here lies the difficulty: in a relationship with someone who continues to act in hurtful ways, how do we toe the line between loving them and interacting with compassion, and protecting our own heart?

    We can save no one but ourselves.

    Real shifts in our psyche, our inner being, do not come from outside pushes. Change will never stick unless the changer is ready. Our worldly circumstances will nudge us here and there, and we ultimately respond by either softening or embittering our vision, our paradigms.

    If we’ve allowed experience to push us toward a scared, closed off, hardened heart, things can only be different when we are ready to make our own intentional choice to be different.

    We cannot throw another person over our back, or carry them in our arms through the fire. That cannot be our job. Be there for them, be support, hold space in time of need, even be a guide when asked. But always, the true work will be theirs alone.

    Being love does not mean being a doormat.

    Compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves. Loving someone should not mean getting hurt time and again. There will always be need for forgiveness, but not at the cost of healthy boundaries. Here, love might mean taking a step back.

    I’ve realized that sometimes, forgiveness is not about absolving someone of their actions—it means we have given ourselves permission to move on with our lives, deciding “what you did no longer holds power over me.” It’s okay, necessary even, to set up firebreaks, to say, “Enough.”

    We can’t resolve hurts from unstable ground.

    If someone has hurt you, chances are they’re suffering themselves. When both parties feel pain that they believe the other caused, they will already be on the defensive. I believe the only place from which we can work through those old woundings is one of stability, of love and trust.

    Yet closure in the sense of reconciliation, communication, and healing together may never happen. If someone doesn’t believe they have wronged you, arguing your point will only drive the relationship rift further apart.

    If we can find common ground in our love and words, it’s possible to move forward together into resolution of hurts. But if one party isn’t ready to look at themselves truthfully and engage in painfully open communication, resolution must come a different way.

    Putting things to rest can be one-sided.

    Here’s the tough truth: closure won’t come from someone else. It happens when we are ready to let things go.

    In her book Women Who Run with the Wolves, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola-Estes uses the concept of descansos, death-markers, the white crosses seen on the side of roads in the West and Southwest, as a metaphor for marking, blessing, and moving on from trauma, grief, little “deaths” in our lives.

    By tenderly identifying our own descansosthings in our lives which haven’t gone as planned, dreams we’ve had to leave behind, expectations we’ve put aside in exchange for the truth—we give ourselves a unique means for closure.

    “Be gentle with yourself and make the descansos, the resting places for the aspects of yourself that were on their way to somewhere, but never arrived…  

    Descansos mark the death sites, the dark times, but they are also love notes to your suffering. They are transformative. There is a lot to be said for pinning things to the earth so they don’t follow us around. There is a lot to be said for laying them to rest.” – Clarissa Pinkola-Estes

    Surround yourself with people who love you.

    This one is easily said but sometimes complicated to walk out. Family doesn’t always go hand in hand with blood: people we are related to may never truly be good for us, while the friends we’ve chosen might be more dear and positively impactful than any relatives.

    A great relationship inspires and brings out the best in us, and the love shared there has few strings attached.

    Great friendships should be sounding boards for the good and the bad in our lives. We need people to see our inner truths, hold our hands in the dark times, exhort us in times of abundance—and we must recognize those people as gifts.

    These are hard lessons for me. It is sad to let go of a fairy-tale ideal, what I expected this relationship to look like.

    But after a process of grieving, it can be so much healthier and more fulfilling to live with reality, to send out love without expectation of what we “should” get in return, to have compassion for someone without a constant eye for what they “should” do for us.

    We take back our power, creating graceful resolution for the future where it wasn’t available in the past.

    May we all learn to love without contingency; in the meantime, may we learn to walk our path in self-compassion. Loving ourselves is our dawn into the light of truly loving others.

    Fighting fingers image via Shutterstock

    About Lauren Erickson-Viereck

    Lauren is a Montessori teacher in Bozeman, Montana, where she lives with her partner of five years and their furry rescue mutt. She loves to be on the wild earth, from warm oceans to alpine peaks, and treasures human connection across background and experience. Lauren believes in writing and breathing through pain and peace.

     

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    Are you giving your all but not getting back what you deserve? Are you concerned that your relationship isn’t going to continue moving forward? Reach out directly to any one of our talented psychics today. They can look deep into your connection and provide you with the best steps.

     

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  • Rs.400
    What It Really Means to Have a Supportive Partner

    “The best possible thing you can get out of a relationship is that you’re with someone who encourages you to be the best version of yourself every day.” ~Nishan Panwar

    Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you felt supported? When was the last time you felt safe, at home, encouraged, and able to be 100 percent yourself?

    If your partner creates a safe space for you to do this, then you are truly blessed. If not, have you ever wondered why you don’t feel safe, supported, and loved?

    Two years ago my best friend told me he’d loved me for many years. It was an unforgettable day once I got over my initial shock, because for many years I’d felt the same way about him.

    It took me a while to get my head around how the most beautiful man I knew, not to mention one of my best friends, wanted me over anyone else.

    In the beginning of our relationship I idolized him. I had an image of him in my head as my friend, and it was one of unrealistic perfection, non-stop humor and happiness, and a loving boyfriend who would walk on hot coals for me, just as I’d watched him do for other girls.

    I wanted to support him any way I could and would do anything for him, but when we got together—a difficult and confusing time for me, for many reasons—I was the one who needed supporting.

    When I didn’t get what I thought I deserved, things began to look very different than I had originally imagined. Maybe he wasn’t the guy I thought he was going to be as a partner. Maybe I’d set his pedestal just a little too high.

    Had going from friends to lovers been a terrible idea? But what was actually happening at the time was that I was leaning on him way too much for support, and I hadn’t even stopped to consider that the person I needed to sort out and support, first and foremost, was me.

    You see, when we’re lost and confused, we often look to external influences to make us happy. We’re all guilty of it.

    My experiments in how to find happiness have varied over the years—shoe shopping, drinking, drugs, yoga, meditation, and other people.

    But we can’t solely rely on anything or anyone to make us happy. We have to create the happiness part for ourselves.

    One major thing I realized at the beginning of our relationship was that I was asking for the world from a guy who I was placing way too many expectations and assumptions on.

    I assumed just because he was finally in flow with his career that it meant that our coming together was doomed and that I’d be cast aside in favor of a new job.

    I also assumed that because he wasn’t running around after me and spending every penny he had on me, as he’d done with previous overly demanding girlfriends, that I meant less to him than anyone else that had come before.

    However, had he acted the way I had expected him to when I was at my lowest ebb, I would have quickly labelled him clingy, over-bearing, and annoying, and that would have been the end of that.

    The truth was, he was being everything I needed him to be for where I was at that time.

    I didn’t need someone who would wallow in self-pity and negativity with me, as previous partners of mine had done. I needed someone who would inspire me to be the best person I could be and show me that if I picked myself up, everything would work out just fine.

    I remember him saying to me one night when I was in tears, “I know that you’re going through a lot right now, but get really excited about the future and what’s coming next rather than being fearful of it, because everything is going to be okay.”

    Each time I remember those words, they mean more to me.

    Let me tell you something that I have learned about what it means to have a supportive partner.

    A supportive other half isn’t someone who will hang on your every word, do whatever you want, and follow you to the ends of the earth. That clinginess isn’t the “true love” that you’re searching for.

    When someone truly loves and supports you, they challenge you, stand beside you when you need them, and give you the space you need to roam free and grow as a person.

    They will never judge you or put constraints on your mind, your physical body, or any of your dreams. They will be a cheerleader for your cause without being a groupie. They’ll go to the other side of the world for you when you need them, but they won’t smother you.

    They might not be around all the time, but for the things that really matter, or for when you are sick or in the dark, they’ll be there at your side, without you even needing to ask.

    They might seem like the busiest person in the world or the least affectionate at times, but when it matters, they’ll drop everything for you.

    Most of all, they will see you. This person will see what other people can’t. They’ll see you in all your beauty and grace, as well as your darkness and faults.

    They will see you for the person you are now and the amazing one they know you are truly capable of becoming, even if you can’t quite see this yourself yet.

    And they’ll love you. Unconditionally. And that’s really all that matters in this life.

    Stop expecting things from your partner that they don’t intuitively know how to give you. You will learn and grow together, so long as you continue to communicate assertively and don’t put unreasonable demands on each other.

    But it’s also up to you to become responsible for your own feelings and your own happiness. Put this first and you’ll become more lovable to your other half without even trying.

    Keep supporting each other. Stop worrying that your other half is going to leave you or wrong you or let you down. Have some faith and, in return, they will have faith in you.

    Stay truthful to yourself and they will reflect this beautiful truth straight back to you. And keep showing all of your colors to them—your light and your darkness. Because if they truly love you and value you, as long as you do all of this, they’re not going anywhere.

    Couple holding hands image via Shutterstock

    About Natalie Edwards

    Natalie Edwards is a writer and speaker focusing on love, relationships and masculine and feminine energy. She inspires others to tap into their truth and learn how to authentically connect with one another. Find out more about Natalie on her website.

     

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    Is your partner and/or significant other treating you as you should be treated? Are you receiving the support you need and desire? If you have questions about your relationship, reach out directly to any one of our talented psychic advisors. They can look deep into the energy of your connection and provide you with invaluable insight to ensure a better tomorrow starting right now.

     

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  • Rs.400
    How to Move On When Your Ex Already Has

    By: Vishnu

    “Like a sandcastle, all is temporary. Build it, tend it, enjoy it. And when the time comes, let it go.” ~Jack Kornfield

    I picked up the butter cookies and a small postcard-sized painting I had brought for her.

    I took the third-floor hotel elevator down.

    Closing my eyes, I took several deep breaths.

    The elevator ride was less than five seconds, but our time spent apart was five years.

    Five years after the divorce I had flown up to see her again.

    I’m not sure what led to this meeting. We had emailed each other a couple times out of the blue, and before you know it, we were meeting.

    It could have been our final goodbye, the closure we needed. Or maybe even in the back of my mind, it was the new beginning that I’d secretly imagined.

    I don’t know. I walked out to see her after a five-year hiatus. In our memories were the international long-distance romance we had, the difficult marriage we had endured, and the painful divorce we had gone through together.

    When we initially parted ways, she was still pursuing her education and getting adjusted to life in America.

    Yet, today she was different. She spoke of her new travels, new experiences, new house, and new job.

    She talked about the ups and downs of the different relationships in her life.

    Close friends, social events, and the search for the “one”—her “one”—were her focus.

    As we spent the day together, a startling but simple realization came over me.

    She had moved on.

    Life was on the up and up. She seemed to have let go of everything we had shared.

    She was a bird that was soaring, while I felt like a bird that hadn’t gone very far from the same branch I was still sitting on.

    She seemed to have moved on like our past had never happened. I was holding on like it was still happening.

    I realized it was way past time to completely let go of what we had shared.

    She had moved on, and I need to finally move on as well.

    If your ex has already moved on, perhaps my lessons will help you do the same.

    Shift your perspective on the relationship.

    Whatever story you’re telling yourself about the relationship, you need to be retell it. You’re likely holding onto the sad and tragic version. You were left behind as the victim as your ex was the heartbreaker who didn’t give the relationship a chance.

    Shift the story to the one that is the most empowering for you. How about a story of how you both gave it your best? You fought, you loved, you laughed, and you cried. You tried over and over when things didn’t seem to work. You fought, forgave, broke up, got back together, and finally called it off for good.

    You both gave it your all but it didn’t work out. It wasn’t for lack of trying. It was you coming to the conclusion that you were different people, both good people, who were incompatible for each other. You both helped each other grow and become better versions of yourself.

    The more you can flip your perspective on your ex and the relationship, the easier it will be to move on.

    Release blame, anger, and resentment once and for all.

    If you haven’t completely let go of the relationship, you may still be holding on to instances of on injustices by your ex. You may still be feeling betrayed, hurt, or angry about something your ex did.

    Until you can let go of these feelings of resentment on anger, you’re not going to be able to let go or move on.

    You’re not going to lose anything by releasing these feelings, but you will gain your peace of mind and freedom.

    Let go for yourself.

    Even if your ex was entirely at fault and deserves the worst kind of karma, you’re not going to get caught up on it. You are not the universe’s policeman.

    Your ex is human and made mistakes. You’re going to release the resentment and anger and forgive your ex for what they did.

    If you made mistakes, you have to be willing to forgive those too.

    When you don’t forgive your ex or yourself, it keeps the past injustices and pain still burning like it happened today.

    Forgive for yourself. Forgive for your peace of mind.

    Thank your ex for how far they brought you forward in your life.

    Instead of focusing of how much better off your ex is doing or how you’re falling behind, while they are moving ahead, reflect on how far you’ve come yourself.

    While our marriage was difficult and our divorce was soul-crushing, honestly, I grew so much from this relationship. I had so many insights about myself, made drastic life changes, and became an entirely new person.

    You can either compare and mourn or thank your ex and appreciate how far they’ve brought you along.

    You might not have welcomed the pain, but it’s likely made you into a newer and improved version of yourself.

    Remind yourself of how far you’ve come.

    Yes, when you’re comparing yourself to your ex, you might feel bad about yourself and like you’re stuck, but it’s not wise to compare yourself to someone else. If you feel a need to compare, then compare yourself to where you were before.

    In my case, I was stuck in dysfunctional relationship patterns, I was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage, and I was stuck in a soul-crushing career.

    Regardless of where she’s at today, enough therapy and learning has helped me become a new person. I have many more tools to navigate life, and I’m doing work that sometimes doesn’t even feel like work.

    I’m living more in line with my values today and have the freedom to pursue my creativity and writing.

    You don’t have to be soaring like your ex.

    Just remember that you’re not stuck crawling like you were in the past.

    Remind yourself that today is the only thing you can do something about.

    You cannot change the past, the relationship, or your ex.

    You cannot go back and un-do your mistakes or do something different.

    There’s no point in wallowing in regret, past disappointments, and failures that you can’t do anything about.

    Focus on what you can control—the changes you make today.

    You can become the person you’re capable of becoming today.

    You can create the life you want today.

    Keep bringing yourself to the moment you can do something about: the present moment. In this moment, you can shift your perspective. You can make different choices. You can create the life you want.

    Live less in the futile past and more in the hopefulness of today.

    See the uncertainty in your life as an adventure.

    The most difficult part of my marriage ending was the uncertainty of my life.

    See, when you’re married or in a relationship, you have a location. The world identifies you in a certain way. You know who you’re spending your weekends with or who you have to plan the holidays with. You know who you list in the relationship column of Facebook.

    Yet, after a breakup, all these questions are uncertain and more than likely, unknown. I’ve discovered that I, and humans in general, hate uncertainty.

    We would rather tolerate an unbearable situation than the unknown.

    You can view uncertainty as a tsunami about to happen or a surfing vacation in Hawaii.

    The more you see your future life as an adventure that is filled with excitement and novelty, the easier it will be for your to welcome in the life waiting for you.

    Pursue the life you visualize every day.

    You can get stuck focusing on where your ex is at or what your ex is doing, but this is neither healthy nor productive.

    Instead, get super clear on what you want.

    What is the life you envision for yourself every day? What values and principles do you want to guide your life?

    How would you like your life to look each day?

    Now, you may not be able to create that life instantly, but you can start doing small things each day that get you closer to the life you want.

    If you envision spirituality in your life each day, create time for a spiritual practice or class.

    If you see creativity in your life each day, make time for your creative ventures.

    If you see self-care as a necessity for your best life, reduce your commitments and take better care of yourself.

    You might not have the life you envisioned right now, but if you start taking small steps each day to live the life you want, before you know it, your visions will be your reality.

    What’s helped you let go of the past when your ex has already moved on?

    About Vishnu

    Vishnu is a writer and coach who helps people overcome breakups to rebuild their lives and live with purpose.  He blogs at www.vishnusvirtues.com For Vishnu’s latest book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, visit his Amazon page here.

     

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    If you are finding it difficult to move on from your past and are ready to start feeling joy again, reach out directly to any one of our talented spiritual advisors.

     

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  • Rs.400
    Coping With Trust Issues

    By: Psychic Rhonda

    It is very difficult getting past a betrayal and broken trust in a relationship and sometimes some people are not able to. You love your partner dearly, but you can’t seem to get past that infidelity that happened before. You question every move and everything suddenly becomes suspicious. Working late, if they went where they said they went, text messages, etc. What was once pure lovers bliss has become a very miserable life. You argue more but you don’t want to; however, your intuition is telling you that they are back to their old tricks again and you are being played for a fool. And they’re so clever because you can’t find any proof!

    This isn’t the way a relationship should be. You hurt, you cry and you can’t seem to rid your mind of negative thoughts. You love your partner but the trust is gone. Your attitude makes them not want to be as intimate as before or even be in your company much which creates even more tension. Something has got to give. First, as I always say, taking your partner back after cheating is also saying you forgive them. Many people get back together without healing and forgiving and the infidelity is hung over their partner’s head every day. This is not healthy for anyone. Don’t be so quick to forgive just to keep your partner close or to keep tabs so they won’t do it again..this doesn’t work. If you love your partner and simply need time to reconsider the relationship then by all means do so. Living in constant worry or fear is very toxic and you are depriving yourself of happiness.

    Communicate with your partner, if you’re angry say you’re angry, if you’re hurt then say you’re hurt. Explain how you really feel and what will make you feel better. Being hostile and bitter isn’t expressing yourself. Betrayal is very hurtful and it’s miserable to love someone deeply but not be able to trust them. It can also create or increase insecurities within yourself. You won’t be happy in this situation and it won’t get any better.

    Has your partner changed their cheating ways? Not everyone is apologetic for cheating only because they got caught. If you do find your partner is up to their old ways or you have proof that they are still seeing the person but denying it then you are somewhat accepting the cheating. No remorse or being defensive and making claims that you are crazy are mechanisms designed to belittle you and stop you from seeking the truth. This also says to your partner that no matter what, you will stay with them. You will get angry or be upset, but you’re not going anywhere. The only person that’s hurting is you and it’s not fair.

    You are letting the past control you. You are in a constant negative state of mind but yet are expecting positive results. I have yet to see this happen. Many people feel trapped in their relationship, they’re not happy in it but don’t want to move on either. Evaluate your situation in an honest manner and take action that serves your own best interests and emotional well-being. You deserve it and many times there are better and healthier options out there for you.

    If you are experiencing a lot of trust issues and need to find out the truth about your partner or need to know the next best step to take, reach out directly to Psychic Rhonda today. She will be happy to look into your relationship and uncover the details the need.

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  • Rs.400
    Why Love Addiction Deprives Us of Love, and How to Let It In

    “What we seek in love is finding someone with whom we feel safe to reveal our true self.” ~Karen Salmansohn

    I wasn’t always in a relationship, but I was almost always in love.

    I even had crushes in kindergarten. I hated school because my grade school teacher didn’t like me. Maybe my crushes helped me avoid feeling the void, the loneliness, and the sense that I was not of this world, an outcast.

    Being in love let me ignore those uncomfortable feelings. Of course, I did not understand any of this at age six. Now I do.

    As an adult, I wanted a lover because I wanted someone to treat me better than I treated myself. I wanted him to fall in love and stay in love with me. I wanted this because I needed something as desperately as the desert needs water: to feel good about myself.

    I wanted someone to mirror back to me the good he saw in me—my beauty, intelligence, and worth.

    I wanted someone to accept and appreciate my quirks, even when I didn’t. I wanted someone to see me for once. I wanted to be okay in the eyes of one person, at least. It never occurred to me that that “one person” needed to be me.

    I also waited for a life partner to enjoy life. His love would protect me. I had no guarantee that I would not hurt again, but if there was one person guaranteed to love me, then I could endure other disappointments that life would throw at me.

    I wouldn’t go camping, to concerts, or even to the Sunday market unless I had someone with me who was “the one.” I missed out on so much while I waited for the love blanket to protect me so I could feel safe enough to discover myself.

    I was a love addict. And I didn’t know it.

    Society pushes this notion on us. Vacation ads feature happy couples. Valentine’s Day comes and people post pictures from their night of love on Facebook. Meanwhile, we lonely love addicts make do with heart-shaped chocolates purchased on sale one day too late.

    How much of life I allowed myself to miss! Instead of drowning in regret, I faced the truth and noted the signs of my love addiction. Maybe these symptoms will seem familiar to you:

    • You’re preoccupied with your love objects—checking their Facebook page, Googling them (many times), daydreaming about them. They become our dreams!
    • An email, text, or smile from your love object, it all sends you into ecstasy. But the next day, the void and the longing come back. The fix has lost its effect.
    • You listen to your love object’s voicemail repeatedly and save them… forever.
    • You gush about your love object any chance you get. And you project qualities you can’t own in yourself, shadow or light, onto them, because it is safer. (For example, you may detest your partner for arrogance, a quality that you deny in yourself, or idolize them for their talent, which you’ve never allowed yourself to express.)

    I am thirty-nine years old. This awareness is relatively new for me. When my last addictive relationship ended, for the first time I experienced what a heartache is.

    After we broke up, he went off to date the woman we had the biggest fights over. That broke my heart. But it also showed me that I did the right thing by leaving him. At that point, I realized he was more wounded than I was. That did give me some relief but didn’t really take the pain of self-betrayal away.

    I lost thirteen pounds in three weeks and had to drive myself to the ER.

    At ninety-seven pounds, I couldn’t eat. I knew my life was in danger and even wondered if my heart was bleeding. With compassion, the ER doctor said, “You will heal, I know, because you were strong enough to drive yourself here.”

    Yes! Right then, I began the excruciating but necessary journey into Self.

    I discovered and felt in my body how much I was depriving myself of life by getting addicted to the crumbs of love—when I actually wanted the whole loaf. I realized that I had never really believed I deserved that much.

    Then, I fell in love again. Just when I thought I was done, for a while at least. He had a similar past, so we immediately bonded.

    During our six-week relationship, I recovered from my love addiction. We used the relationship as a love lab and processed all the feelings and thoughts that came up. We swore to radical honesty and kept our word. With full transparency, we found out what happens when we just show up as ourselves—addictions and all.

    We made passionate love, shared breakfast in bed, went to the farmer’s market on Sundays, did grocery shopping, and kissed at the most beautiful spots on the island.

    He rubbed my feet as I fell asleep, and I lathered sunblock lotion on his body before we took off to the beach. I went snorkeling with him, and we swam naked in secret, secluded beaches with only turtles for discreet company.

    I understood he would move back to New York and it would end, and I appreciated this gift from the Universe, as he helped me be okay with loving someone. Period. No desperate attachment. I knew he didn’t owe it to me to stay with me forever.

    I discovered that my feelings were my own. I, not the other, was the source of my feelings.

    I wasn’t born with my feelings for him. I had created them. I had allowed them. And I was going to love Jim, Mike, Darren, and Chris in the future the same way. I realized they were the objects of my love, but they were not the bearer of it. I was.

    Oh, what a relief! What a blessing to overcome love addiction in the thick of an intense, beautiful connection. I was sad when he left, but I was not left with nothing. I had a happy life and fulfilling work. This was all new for me and I felt so light and free.

    The truth is, when you are a love addict, you have way less love in your life than you were aiming for.

    Ironic, isn’t it? The reason is simple: Making one person the only source of love does not work because love is in everything and everyone. When we miss that, we miss the point of life. Really.

    I now see love in all forms—in the guy bagging my groceries so diligently, in the blissful expression on my best friend’s face as she comes out of her massage session, or in the way the 7/11 guy jokes about my glasses that are too big for my face. Witnessing these things is love. So is painting my toenails while watching an Eckhart Tolle video on YouTube.

    I missed all this while I was hooked on someone. I missed life. I missed myself.

    I hope I live long enough to pass this onto my kids when I have them. If I have a daughter, I will teach her about real love so that she does not end up experiencing what I did. I will teach her that even if I am her mother and love her to death, she owes me nothing because she deserves it by just being her.

    We all do.

    About Banu Sekendur

    Banu Sekendur is an Intuitive Coach for Business and Life. After two decades of running from one healer to another, she became the coach she needed when she was going through hell. She will give her last breath helping people discover, own, and live who they are. You can connect with her on Facebook and her website workwithbanu.com.

     

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    If you are struggling with love scenarios or are looking for new ways to better embrace yourself, reach out directly to any one of our talented psychic advisors today.

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  • Rs.400
    How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs

    By: Naomi Arnold

    “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” ~Tony Gaskins

    I highly value being loyal, honest, empathetic, and supportive. I am also partial to advocating for the underdog. As a result, I have historically attempted to be a ‘hero’ in situations of difficulty, tension, conflict, or stress.

    I take pride in being the person who others can turn to for support, guidance, and empathy after an upsetting experience.

    When a friend was going through a troublesome period, I literally dropped everything to race to her and give her a hand. I drove her everywhere when her car was destroyed in an accident. I sat with her in the car for hours each day and listened to her troubles in the driveway when dropping her home.

    I often answered the phone late at night when this friend was having a crisis. I barely spent time with my husband as I tended to her needs, even when our marriage began to show cracks as a result.

    I would fall prey to her criticism and insults when she was distressed and seemingly needed a ‘punching bag,’ or when I didn’t respond as quickly or as perfectly as she desired. I regularly defended her behavior and tried to cheer her up when she questioned her value as a friend, in an attempt to help her feel better.

    I convinced myself that it was a stage that she was going through and that she needed my support—that despite the emotional manipulation and unreasonable expectations—a good friend would stick by her, no matter what. Besides, she was a beautiful person and a wonderful friend in many respects.

    When another friend wanted to provide a quote on a personal project, despite my intuition warning me against mixing friendship with business, I proceeded out of concern that I’d offend him if I did otherwise.

    When he made a number of errors and contradictions, was significantly late with his submission, and quoted a much higher figure than initially indicated, I continued to reinterpret his behavior and make excuses for him.

    Even upon first hearing that he had then proceeded to lie about conversations and events to others, my initial reaction was to defend him and make excuses for how he might have been misled by other influences (when this was very unlikely to be the case).

    When a single friend who liked to frequently sleep with different women who he met at a bar each weekend suddenly got upset by the fact that he hadn’t met his soul mate, I’d regularly open the door to him at three in the morning if he wanted to have a drunk DMC about his life and situation.

    When a man came at my friends and I with a baseball bat in a Melbourne train station, I tried to reason with him and determine why he was so worked up and how I could help deflate that— before my friends dragged me away to safety in disbelief.

    I could provide many more examples of where I have put the needs of others before my own, to the point where I have been hurt or experienced significant difficulty. I bet that if you’re still reading this article, that you can do the same.

    I thought I was being a loyal, giving, and kind person who continuously chose to see the good in people. I took pride in this, and identified with it being a core part of who I was. But then I started to notice a painful pattern.

    My own health, happiness, needs, and desires were continuously neglected. I was so busy helping others that prioritizing my own needs wasn’t possible.

    I implicitly told people that I didn’t have boundaries, so it was understandably a shock to the system when I tried to put them in place at a later date.

    I also demonstrated that I held an impossible expectation for myself to be perfect in a relationship, and people started to hold me to that level of perfection and expect it from me 100 percent of the time (even when they did not hold their own behavior to anywhere near the same level or quality that they expected from me).

    And what hurt most of all is that I started to notice that people often didn’t do the same for me. They didn’t risk putting their neck out on the chopping board and they certainly didn’t hang around to fight for our relationship when even the slightest bit of difficulty appeared. When I started to better manage my own energy and space, they would ‘dump’ me in a flash.

    I suddenly realized that I needed to change.

    I needed to respect and value myself and my needs more. I needed to make me a priority. I needed to stop being a martyr. I needed to introduce and maintain boundaries.

    I needed to find a way to balance being big-hearted, loyal, and generous with taking care of myself and protecting my own energy and interests.

    It was a difficult period—a period of adjustments and lessons, that are still continuing to a lesser degree. But at the end of the day, my increased emphasis on taking care of myself was not only good for me, but also for the people that truly loved and valued me.

    But how could it be a good thing, you might ask? You lost friends, you suffered, you learned that many people you loved wouldn’t be there to back you up when you needed them. How is that a good thing?

    Please, let me explain. When I ‘lost’ or better managed those who drained energy from me and disregarded perfectly reasonable personal boundaries it:

    • Freed up more time for me to support and enjoy the company of those who did respect, value and cherish me—those who were uplifting and supportive
    • Led to me respecting, valuing, and honoring myself and my own needs more, which allowed me to feel more energized, vibrant, happy, healthy, and ‘on purpose’ than ever before
    • Allowed me to learn more about myself and what I valued in a relationship and to be more cautious about spending time with people who didn’t align with these values
    • Helped me further fine-tune the art of boundary setting, a skill that I believe can impact on your life in so many ways
    • Encouraged others to start treating me with more respect
    • Inspired others to start taking better care of themselves and their needs too
    • Helped me learn how to say no and to ask for help—two valuable skills to have in your internal wellness toolkit

    The above are only examples, of which I am sure there are many more, of the benefits I have experienced from setting boundaries and learning to prioritize myself and my own needs.

    Now this might sound great in theory, but I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to start setting boundaries and to prioritize your own needs, desires, and dreams. Some suggestions to help you get started include:

    1. Begin to take notice of who you spend your time with and how they make you feel.

    Do you enjoy their company? Do they make you feel supported and uplifted? Do they bring you joy? Or do they deflate you? Make you feel bad about yourself and your character? Suck the energy from you? Perhaps it is time to consider how you manage your time with these people in the future.

    2. Take time out to reflect on and identify your own needs, desires, and dreams.

    Do you have a self-care and me-time practice? Do you make time for activities that you enjoy? Do you feel satisfied with your work, home life, health, or other areas that you value? Commit to making a conscious effort to start prioritizing these areas more in your life.

    3. Actively look for ways to make time for you.

    What can you organize or change in your schedule to make this happen? Where can you find efficiencies or introduce systems that will make time for you? Where could you ask for help or delegate work or tasks to free up time? What items can you cull from your to-do list in order to drop some balls and pick up the self-care ball?

    4. Practice saying no.

    Putting a stop to the automatic “yes machine” and learning to say no are vital steps for setting boundaries and learning to place more value on yourself, your time, and your desires.

    Learning to say no can take practice. I suggest that you start with a ‘buying time’ script, where instead of responding with a clear “yes” or “no” straight away, you tell people that you are busy and that you’ll check and get back to them. This buys you time to formulate a more considered response in line with your own needs and desires.

    At the end of the day, please remember that you matter. Your life matters. Your needs and desires matter. And when you take care of yourself, you are in a much better position to be of service to others and the world.

    In finishing, I’d love to leave you with a quote from Dodinsky that sums up one of the main points of this article: “Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.”

    Woman at the beach image via Shutterstock

    About Naomi Arnold

    Naomi is an award winning Business + Life Passion Coach, writer, speaker and human rights activist. She works with big hearted, creative and mission driven people who want to make a difference in the world. Through her coaching, writing, and award nominated Freebies Library at www.naomiarnold.com, she helps people embrace their uniqueness and live their version of a passion-fueled and purposeful life.

     

    This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here.

    Are other people in your life constantly demanding your time? Do you feel as if you don’t know whether you are coming or going? If you have felt this level of stress and need help setting boundaries or beginning a meditation technique that will help you let go of the stress, reach out directly to any one of our trusted spiritual advisors today.

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