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When The Soul Bleeds

When The Soul Bleeds

I have been unsure where to start for this particular article. To be brutally honest, I have been avoiding it at all costs. My brilliant mouth spoke, before my brain had a chance to catch up. “I will do it about grieving.” I don’t want to do it about grieving. I want to avoid it altogether. Then I started thinking about it and thought perhaps, hearing about my own grieving process; might help some of you. 

It is said that there are five main stages of grief. To be honest, I had to look them all up. Shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance; depending on the author. I am not sure I agree with any of that. Sure, there are stages…but it depends on the individual person. I have spent my life thinking there was something wrong with me, that I grieved wrong. I was a stuffer, before I met my boyfriend. The man makes me fall in love, with everything; from birds, trees, dogs, bees. How I grieved at 15 years old and in my 20s, has greatly changed. I have finally figured out at every stage…I am not doing it wrong. There is nothing wrong with me.

When I was younger, I viewed crying or emotions; as weak. Not in others, just myself…because my feelings were hardly ever, honored. When my grandmother whom I was very close to died, (I was 15) I never cried. When my grandfather disappeared with no leads, finding out exactly one year later his car was found in a deep ravine; I had no emotion. I stuffed it all. If I did cry or have emotion, it was wrong. If I didn’t, it was wrong. So, I just didn’t.

If that is you, you aren’t wrong. It is how you are able to survive it.

Grieving sucks. We lose someone whether through death, or a breakup; it is in itself, a death. Grieving changes us forever. I have come to the conclusion, that when we grieve; somehow a part of our soul leaves. Hiding deep within our hearts, in very sacred chambers; never to be seen, again. Yet, that part of us lives. It is not forgotten. 

Perhaps, you are someone who cries excessively; according to some. You are not wrong. Maybe, some get angry. That isn’t wrong either. Tuck yourself away under the cozy, comforter; not showering for weeks? That isn’t wrong either. 

I don’t know. I don’t think there are several stages of grief. Not everyone experiences all of it. We are all individuals, with different life experiences revolving all the time. It can change like seasons as we grow. I think it is more like you yes, have your shock…you have your feelings of deep sadness, even if you are angry at someone before they pass; then you move forward the best you can. 

I used to think I was selfish having my feelings. They are the one that passed. I should be there for other people. When someone dies, or a breakup happens; a part of you dies with them. It is okay to have your feelings. Your feelings are valid.  

Whether you scream, cry with stream of snot dripping off your chin, stay in bed, eat five pounds of chocolate, drink alcohol; you are not wrong. It is your process. No one should tell you ever; how to process your feelings. All of your feelings are valid and normal; according to who you are as a person, at that stage in your life. How you feel and handle those emotions, are different than how someone else handles them. You are different people, different spiritual beings; with different lessons to learn. 

The day after Mother’s Day, someone very dear to me and who was in every way, like my mother; I found out had passed. This is what has sparked this article. She practically raised me since I was 6 months old. I am 52. I ran naked through her grass, causing significant chaos of one kind and another; she only loved me. Through all the moments of my life…even the ugly ones; she just loved me. She was a brilliant, beautiful, woman. One I respected highly and adored, with every essence of my being…she was my mommy.

In closing, I have come to the conclusion…that there are not stages of grief. It continues at different times throughout our lives, that ping to our heart; for said person. The grief stays the same. We do learn to walk forward again, that grief though…is always there; because we are human. So those of you that are struggling with this subject, thinking you shouldn’t still be grieving; be kind to yourselves. Some days will be better than others and some days you will be back in bed with chocolates. Some days with your new love it will be great, while other days you will still miss someone’s smile. It is all normal. People come into our lives; love us, we love them, it shapes us who we are, as a human. It is what makes us all so fascinating, as a people. 

Honor your feelings, it is a part of who you are. You, are okay.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Psychic, Nicolenya

P.S. If you would like some spiritual exercises to help you communicate and feel your loved ones…just text me.